Middle-Earth “Places To Stay” Reviews

A Hobbit Hole built 20 minutes from our office in Flag Pond, TN.

A Hobbit Hole built 20 minutes from our office in Flag Pond, TN.

It’s time for the final installment of The Hobbit films.  The Battle Of The Five Armies opens tomorrow.

As Yext certified partners, we’re always keeping an eye on local search marketing and online reviews.

So I did a little digging and found these reviews of Places To Stay In Middle-Earth.  Should you find yourself on an adventure in those parts, this may be helpful.

The Prancing Pony

“The ale is good — supernaturally good.  But you may have to remind the proprietor, Butterbur, to bring it to you a couple of times.  Quite forgetful.” – Meriadoc Brandybuck, 4 Stars

“Finding a guest at The Prancing Pony is about as easy as crossing the Ford of Bruinen at high tide.  Won’t be back.” – Black Rider, 1 Star

Mirkwood

“Someone call an exterminator.” – Bombur, 2 Stars

Helm’s Deep

“I asked for a wake-up call at 7:30.  Jumping dragons, I’ve never heard a horn like that.  I had the shakes all day and Gandalf had to use sign language til we got to the Gap of Rohan. (And boy does he know some sign langauage.)” – Pippin, 2 Stars

Weather Top

“Great view. Rough neighborhood.” – Strider, 2 Stars

The Paths Of The Dead

“As advertised.” – Gimli, 1 Star

Lothlorien

“Be warned that if you leave a bad review of this place or the lady who resides here, you will rue the day.  Aragorn can track IP addresses, Legolas has the eyes of an eagle, and my axe is hungry. Forth, the three hunters!” – Gimli, 5 Stars

Shelob’s Lair

“Bombur, you got the number for the exterminator?” – Frodo, 1 Star

Isengard

“Host is less than hospitable.” – Gandalf, 1 Star

“Gandalf, don’t be hasty.  We are now under new management. Please visit again and stay a while. horuummm borrruuummm snorruuuummmm” – Treebeard, 4 Stars

Osgiliath

“The place could use a reno.” – Faramir, 2 Stars

Minas Tirith

“Grandfathered in before elevator codes took effect. Get in shape before you come.” – Pippin, 3 Stars

“Wonderful library for bookworms.” – Gandalf, 5 Stars

“Excellent infirmary.” – Faramir, 5 Stars

The Dead Marshes

“They advertise it as a historical landmark with thrilling haunted tours. True, but it’s not worth the money.” – Frodo, 1 Star

Mordor

“I think there’s a Peeping Tom.” – Frodo, 1 Star

“The bathrobes are itchy.” – Samwise, 1 Star

Fangorn Forest

“Nice break on a lonely stretch of road.  Chilly in these parts, but there’s a lot of good firewood here.  Hey, is the wind blowing that tree?  Wait a min…” – Ugluk, 3 Stars

Edoras

“The courtesy of this hall is somewhat lessened of late.” – Gandalf, 2 Stars

“I don’t know who does the hiring here, but putting that Worm-tongue guy behind the front desk? Mistake.” – Gimli, 2 Stars

Bag End

“The silverware is exquisite.” – Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, 5 Stars

Rivendell

“Sweet conference room.” – Gandalf, 5 Stars

“Sharp knives.” – Boromir, 1 Star

The Old Forest

“Wonderful place to take a nap, but the old man who runs the place is a few mushrooms short of a full basket.” – Samwise Gamgee, 4 Stars

The Lonely Mountain

“Swanky!” – Smaug, 5 Stars

“This facility is no longer available for public use.” – Thorin Oakenshield, 5 Stars

The Misty Mountains

“Careful, there’s a trap door.  But there are some great finds here.” – Bilbo, 1 Star

“Keep your valuables locked in the safe in your room.  Thievesses about.” – Gollum, 4 Stars

Mines Of Moria

“Frequent power outages and a weak foundation.  Bring your own linens and a change of underwear.” – Gandalf, 1 Star

The Shire

“If anyone sees one of the Entwives, please email fangorn999@aol.com.” – Treebeard, 4 Stars

“I haven’t had pipe-weed this good in an age.  Longbottom Leaf! Longbottom Leaf! Longbottom Leaf!” – Gandalf, 5 Stars

The Grey Havens

“The ferry ride was nice.  Superb retirement community.” – Frodo, 5 Stars

 

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